Independence is an easy thing to get used to. I still remember the exhilaration of getting my driver’s license at 16; just being able to up and go anywhere, whenever I wanted. Shortly thereafter, while driving with a friend who had yet to get his license said, “Now you’ll be able to drive for the rest of your life.” It was a simple statement, but true, and has always stuck with me as the epitome of independence. We spend the majority of our adult lives making decisions for ourselves: Where to go, and when to go there; where to work and what impact we want to make; where to live, and who to live with. Many folks graduate high school and look forward to fifty or more years of making their own life choices like this.
But after those 50 years, some people may have a new struggle: interdependence. American culture celebrates the entrepreneur and the DIYer, so it can be a blow to someone’s dignity if they are suddenly not able to care for themselves enough to live alone. You may recognize that it’s time for a parent or grandparent to make a life change well before they do. Especially in 2020 with the pandemic and rising costs of nursing homes, asking or suggesting to your parents they might want to move in with you is often a solution. But any change like that means giving up some of their independence. Change can be difficult, but if you see it coming you can prepare for it.
How do you start this conversation? How do you suggest that your parents move into your house? What’s most important in preparing for this conversation? Come up with a plan. Ask yourself these questions first:
Do you want to live with your parents?
Will your routines shift by having another person in the house? Are you OK with that?
If your parents need increased care is that something you can do? Is that something you have time to do, or manage someone else to do?
Do you get along with your parents?
If you don’t like something your parent does, will you be comfortable discussing it with them?
Check in with your current family about it:
How does your spouse feel about the idea? What about others in the household, including children?
How will it affect their routines?
Can you afford the extra expenses of having another person in the house? Do they have an income? Do you need to remodel to allow for the extra person to be in the space?
Are there behaviors or tendencies that your parents have that bother or upset you? Or vice versa?
How will you establish boundaries?
Are there other family members in the area that can assist with care?
Consider your parent’s point of view:
Will they be moving away from their community and activities they love?
Will their routines be affected?
Is this something they want?
It’s OK to reach out to people for help. Ask other family members, and friends. Speak with a therapist, or spiritual leader. None of us are alone in this world. Yet, as independent as we all may be, we do rely on our community to assist in figuring out good ideas for tough conversations like these. The questions above may assist as a starting point, they may even open the door for deeper conversations with your folks. Feel free to post ideas, or past experiences, or results of your conversations.
On February 2/10/20 at 6:30 we are hosting the first Wheel Pad Webinar about caregiving! Check out the webinar here!